Cake!!
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started