I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy