Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.