[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I came this close!!!!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
ok this is my dumbest yet
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly