If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
mumsnet is amazing
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝