I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: