Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar