Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since