Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.