Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Nomnomnomnom
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides