LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The Sun
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird