Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.