My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.