After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
is this how new cars are made??
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.