screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine đ
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just push go and letâs see what happens. Really, donât worry Iâll go next. *Famous last words…
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*posts âGlitter is my favorite colorâ*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isnât a color*
Iâm not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. Iâm the one that will hand you the 11th
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if thereâs a chameleon secretly watching me.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought Iâd lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[Bushâs Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh Iâm waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Apparently Iâm no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because itâs âscaring childrenâ and “a crocodile.â
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when theyâre reading.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.