I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.