The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?