Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”