When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You Might Also Like
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Cha-ching is my safe word
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Whoa… oh I see lol
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”