i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Breaking news:
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.