friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
how long have you had this for?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool