Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.