Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
this is how life feels
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?