Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
awkward
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Monday
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.