If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
This is a whole mood;
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment