I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.