I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me adding lol on a serious message
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’m having an out of money experience.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
twitter users today:
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*