What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.