Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.