Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
You Might Also Like
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”