[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
How times have changed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
#FunnyLife Insects
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.