No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward