My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
what kind of cook setting is this??
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.