I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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Who did it better?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.