when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!