Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
do horses think humans are hats
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.