Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree