Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!