5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Nose
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
definitely did not do anything wrong
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.