wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”