#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You Might Also Like
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past