*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.