*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death