Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I had to Stop for this
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news