I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
S M O L
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Strangers have the best candy.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Lmao
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so