I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Good advice.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.