7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My zodiac sign is pistachio
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha