Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.