“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
No Google it does not
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
They got Raph!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.