Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.